I feel the weight of the medication lifting. With it the veil of sorrow that I have been trapped in. The world is growing brighter and brighter by the moment and I feel more like myself. Yes, the anxiety is returning. It occurred to me that the older laptop left on the couch was a fire hazard, but I was able to ration it out though I did contemplate trying to rid the fear with the transition medication or take a Melatonin, but I didn’t. The fears that once plagued me no longer seem as bad. I feel more resolute. More determined.
I want to make something of my life. Be more than an introverted little writer with big dreams. I want to help people. This new-found ambition stems from something said to me last week.
During the worst and lowest end of the Prozac I broke down both on this blog and on FaceBook. Two days later, I received a book called Bird by Bird written by Anne Lamott and it is about writing and life. I was moved by the sheer generosity and thoughtfulness of the gift. When I thanked her, she told me that all people are kind and good by nature and that I shouldn’t forget that, and I should pay the kindness back by being kind to someone else.
I must confess, I have not been reading much of Bird by Bird. I am hell bent on finishing Bad Moon Rising by Sherrilyn Kenyon this book had become the symbol of both my depression and recovery. I stalled out at the bottom of the medicated stupor and just stopped reading it. The book shows every bit of wear from bent pages and torn cover of its harsh travel and neglect. I carried it in some chance I would find the will to read it, but everyday it sustained more injury. In just today I flew through almost a hundred pages, devouring as I do all her books. I’ll have to carry another book tomorrow because As I round the corners of the last chapters. Finishing it means a lot to me right now. The restoration of creative goals, for starters.
I realized that up until then I had been living my life selfishly. I only cared about achieving my goals of nailing a job, establishing a career, but now I know that is not my path. Every attempt has failed so far, which is a message I should have received.
I will find my purpose by doing things that benefit other people, rather than myself. I will eradicate my guilt of needing help and being dependant by working for others.
Bold statement, I know, but I have a plan to do this. A game plan. I reached out to volunteers in my community to find what I could be doing in a wheelchair. I also have an idea that requires planning, research and outreach, and getting my car on the road.
My car has to wait on money, but I can do all the preparation before hand and be ready to roll out as soon as my car is ready.
My doctor said that I need to socialize more, and I intend to do it, but with purpose.
Speaking of socialization, today was interesting for me. I was visited by my neighbor’s girlfriend and had a conversation with a peer. It had been so long that I forgot what it is like. I am hopeful that the seeds are sown for a friendship. We have similar interest, including a love for Sherrilyn Kenyon. I believe she will be great for my neighbor and bring spirit and light to his life as well as mine.
For the first time this morning, I woke up encouraged and excited. I am at work as I write this now, but I am determined to write again even if it is just 500 word tangents written for this blog. The motivation is returning, it is trickling in, eroding away the dam of despair.
I have done more than write this today though. I went back to my MECHA story and finished taking notes. I have also decide to burn away all (well during the first draft) writing advice and write the way I always have rather than do what the books say. I edit as I write. I write a chapter go back edit and take notes then about halfway through I edit again then again before the last chapter. By the time, that my first draft is done it is more along the lines of a second.
That is what I have always done then I allowed the advice to pervert me and strip away what I enjoy about writing.
I am very excited about this story. It is unlike anything I have read outside of Manga, so I think that will either get me rejected by a million agents or make me unique.
That is it for today.